Busted For DUI
I’m not sure if breathing while driving is still permitted in Troy, but I’m going chance it.
If I don’t stop driving under the influence immediately, I am certain to be pulled over, ticketed, fined and highly embarrassed.
My addiction is not with alcohol or drugs. Indeed, my DUI habit is far worse.
I’ve been driving under the influence of my iPhone, while occasionally sipping coffee and eating pop tarts.
All of these are potential driving offenses in the city of Troy, where Woodside’s largest campus is located.
Based on my past behavior, I am living on borrowed time. There is a patrol car with my name on it, just waiting to bust me for slurping a Slurpee.
On July 1, the state of Michigan introduced a ban on texting while driving. I would love to say I have never texted while driving. But that would be fibbing.
OK, that would be lying.
So I’ve holstered my iPhone while driving. I’ll save those emails for later. It’s the right thing to do.
But on July 29, my peril increased dramatically. The city of Troy upped the ante by passing the “distracted driver ordinance”. In addition to texting, drivers caught eating, drinking, reading, writing, grooming, operating a phone that is not hands-free, or distracted by passengers, are subject to tickets and fines.
Woof. Big Brother is sucking the final vestiges of fun out of driving.
Most of my 20-mile daily commute takes place within Troy’s city limits. My only hope is to become a “robo” driver. I’ll get in, lock my hands in the 10 o’clock and 2 o’clock positions, and unclench only after reaching my destination.
I’m not sure if breathing while driving is still permitted in Troy, but I’m going chance it.
In fairness, the ban on operating hand-held phones is a good idea. Who hasn’t been stuck behind some joker with a cell phone plastered to his ear driving 30 mph in a 45 mph zone?
I apologize if I was that joker.
The other driving “offenses” have me baffled. Troy has many drive-through restaurants and coffee shops. Their patrons will be sitting ducks for munching- and sipping-while-driving tickets.
Frankly, I’m more worried about under-caffeinated drivers having to wait until they leave the city limits. They’ll be driving like maniacs to get to Royal Oak, Rochester, or Clawson, where coffee consumption is still legal.
The offense that has me the most concerned is personal grooming.
At first, I thought this was a wonderful idea. Finally, all those women applying mascara at 50 mph would be forced to the curb with their makeup kits.
Then I remembered I use my electric shaver while driving. In fact, I’m a serial shaver, so I’m in big trouble.
One question that has troubled me is what will our courts do with repeat offenders?
Judge: Mr. Fausch, this is the third time you’ve been ticketed for Crispy Cream consumption while driving. I’m suspending your license until you complete a Jenny Craig program and kick your addiction.
Tim: Your Honor, can’t I just install a doughnut breath-a-lizer in my car?
The next time your cell phone rings while you are driving in Troy, don’t even think about answering it. It could be coming from that car behind you with the blue and red flashing lights.
Tags: cell phone humor, distracted drivers, Driving Humor, driving while shaving, DUI humor, Humor, texting humor
