The makers of Spandex send you a cease-and-desist order.

My New Year’s resolutions are easy to remember because they are the exact ones I set last year…and for the last two decades.

The problem is my resolutions haven’t been all that resolute. In fact, some might define them as resolve-free. They seem to follow a similar pattern.

Jan. 1, 2009: This year I’m going to eat better, exercise more, and shed a few pounds. I am completely passionate, iron-willed and ferociously dedicated. I will attack with a vengeance, starting tomorrow.

Jan. 2: Today I made great strides by posting my resolutions on Facebook so everyone can hold me accountable, starting tomorrow.

Jan. 3: I deleted my resolutions from Facebook because they could be misinterpreted as bragging. Instead, I’ll blog as I achieve them, starting tomorrow.

Jan. 4: Unbelievable. I get a sore throat just when I was ready to start on my resolutions.

Jan. 1, 2010: This year, I’m going to eat better, exercise more, and shed a few pounds.

Hopefully, you are enjoying great success with your fitness resolutions. But if you are unsure, here are 20 signs to tell if you are failing miserably.

*All the personal trainers shout “dibs” when you enter the health club.

*The readout on your StairMaster keeps flashing the word “weenie”.

*The makers of Spandex send you a cease-and-desist order.

*The guys in the weight lifting area keep asking if you were sick as a child.

*You skinned your knees…while running on the treadmill. (Yes, that was me you saw falling at LifeTime Fitness…twice. Don’t ask.)

*When you swim laps, the lifeguard from the family pool keeps jumping in to rescue you.

*While recording the stats for your body mass index, your trainer says, “Well that’s a first.”

*You hear audible groans every time you walk by a scale.

*Six months into your club membership, the entry clerk still hands you the first-time visitor application form.

*You stop at Dunkin Doughnuts five times a week to “carb up”, but manage to actually exercise just once.

*The Dairy Queen staff welcomes you by name.

*You see a very scary picture of yourself posted at local fast-food restaurants.

*Your nutritionist performs an intervention.

*During your annual physical, your doctor gathers the entire staff to discuss your cholesterol. They all listen intently until one nurse shouts, “I win the pool!”

*You get a sympathy card signed by everyone in your fitness class.

*Your personal trainers keep getting fired for poor performance.

*Your health club invoice shows you spent more on smoothies than on dues.

*Your Dancercise instructor asks you to take the class online because you are scaring the other students.

*When showing your children your high school yearbook photo, they ask, “Who’s that?”

*Your treadmill freakishly phones 911 whenever you use the heart monitor.

Hopefully, you are not experiencing any of these failure signs. But if you are, don’t despair. There are only 11 more months until 2011.

Welcome to the New Voice Media Website.   We’re excited to present you with bios, photos and links to our featured artists, Jessa Anderson and Jordan Anderson.  To sample their music, check out their MySpace sites by clicking on the artist links.

Also, you can now find information here on author Tim Fausch, whose book has just been published.

BREAKING NEWS: Just published:  The Great Cheese Sandwich War: Thirty Humorous Devotional Stories and One (Really) Inspiring One. It’s been a year in the making, and the book is now printed and available, with proceeds going to Extreme Response.

The book is a compilation of 30 humor stories originally written for The Woodside News, a great church newspaper serving Woodside Bible Church in Michigan.  After some editing and the addition of reflective thoughts to each story, plus an intriguing story about what’s happening in South Africa, they became this new book.

You can purchase this 188-page book on this site, via Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, Borders.com, Books-a-million.com, Powellsbooks.com and Christianbook.com.  Or purchase it directly from Tim by emailing him at tfausch@wowway.com.  The cost is $13.99, plus $3 for tax and postage, $16.99. total. Turnaround is 2 weeks or less.

The Great Cheese Sandwich War Price: $13.99

Feb. 14, 2009
For Immediate Release
Contact: New Voice Media
www.newvoicemediallc.com
tfausch@wowway.com
248-212-6448

If you’ve ever searched for humor books with a Christian perspective, you know they are extremely rare. That void has been filled with a new book, The Great Cheese Sandwich War: Thirty Humorous Devotional Stories and One (Really) Inspiring One.

In this just-released book, author Tim Fausch places his slightly warped and wacky microscope on the trials of everyday life. Fausch’s storytelling pokes fun at family relationships, home ownership, sports madness, vacations, and baffling cultural situations.

The book compiles 30 humorous stories, each with a reflective summary, and concludes with an intriguing inspirational story. Published by VMI Publishers, The Great Cheese Sandwich War is 189 pages, illustrated, and provides lots of funny moments supported by biblical perspective.

“I wrote The Great Cheese Sandwich War to make people laugh and to leave them encouraged,” Fausch said. “There are countless books on doctrine and Christian living, but amazingly few that use humor as a foundation.”

The book gets its name from the story about a missions trip to Ecuador and how a simple event – making 3,000 cheese sandwiches for a Christmas party – turned into comedy. This is typical of all the chapters in the book.

The Great Cheese Sandwich War: Thirty Humorous Devotional Stories and One (Really) Inspiring One is available at Christian book stores, Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, ChristianBook.com, PowellsBooks.com, Borders.com and Books-a-Million.com.

Media review copies of The Great Cheese Sandwich War: Thirty Humorous Devotional Stories and One (Really) Inspiring One are available upon request by contacting New Voice Media. To sample the stories, visit the Humor Blogs on www.newvoicemediallc.com.

To contact author Tim Fausch for an interview, write him at tfausch@wowway.com or call
248-212-6448.

-30-

January 19, 2009
For Immediate Release
Contact: Tim Fausch
New Voice Media
www.newvoicemediallc.com
tfausch@wowway.com
248-212-6448

On the heels of the release of her first CD, Fundamentally Broken, singer/songwriter Jessa Anderson is connecting with today’s Christian music lovers with her unique style and lyrics. Response has been especially strong among the 14- to 29-year-old crowd.

“I think the reason my songs are resonating is that I write honestly about things I’ve experienced or witnessed,” Anderson said. “I try to address real issues, and that’s how people are connecting.”

Looking at the world through 23-year-old eyes provides a fresh platform for songwriting.

“I think my generation sometimes views the world as broken or misguided,” Anderson said. “Our perspective on culture dictates the way we live, and I’ve tried to reconcile that for listeners with my faith in Jesus Christ.”

“I think in the past hardship has been swept under the rug in favor of topics that make us feel good, but I think people my age respond best to authentic and honest living, which doesn’t always equal perfection.”

Anderson’s common denominator with prior generations of Christian songwriters is her faith that the solutions to life’s problems do come only through the Lord.

“In tackling our issues, each of us has to find our answers in Christ,” Anderson said. “What I’m learning and writing about is that these solutions are not predictable or routine. We each have a unique journey unfolding day by day.”

Since the release of Fundamentally Broken, an 11-song CD recorded at Big Dog Studios in Nashville, Anderson has been sharing her music live, on the Web, and on radio stations in the U.S. and Scotland. She and husband Jordan Anderson also performed in Quito, Ecuador, as part of a mission trip to share Christmas with 10,000 Ecuadorians.

Review copies of Fundamentally Broken are available upon request by contacting New Voice Media. Song styles range from driving pop/rock tunes to contemplative ballads. To sample her songs, visit www.jessaanderson.com or www.myspace.com/JessaAnderson .

To arrange for an interview, contact Jessa Anderson at 615-497-4898 or Anderson.jessa@gmail.com.

-end-

Next time your leafy salad ferments overnight, just puree it into a delicious salad smoothie.

Now that the economy has tanked, we are all looking for ways to save money. Fortunately for you, I am here to help.

I’ve long maintained that people throw away perfectly good cuisine because of a few green spots or funny smells. To that, I say, don’t be such sissies. Trust me. Those meals have many more miles left on them.

(Disclaimer: My wife Deb does not agree with every leftover extender tip. Or even one tip. Just ignore her warnings like I do.)

Let’s start by deconstructing a common myth. Those expiration dates on meat, milk and mayo are not rules, but simply suggestions. Expiration dates are a conspiracy by the food industry designed to make you discard perfectly edible food.

Don’t be so gullible. Learn to push the boundaries of your leftovers to new textures and colors.

Take milk, for example. Ignore the expiration date from last month and give it the sniff test. A mild grease trap aroma is still safe. If chunks appear, you can still use a strainer to gain another day or two. But once the milk solidifies, it’s time to give up on your gallon.

Meats are a little trickier, largely because of those overzealous e-coli alarmists. Don’t fall for their hype. Raw meat remains good through several shades of gray. Only once your meat resembles a charcoal briquette do you need to be concerned. Or, if it grows a second skin. Or fur.

You may wonder if you can still eat an orange when it’s no longer round. Of course. Although much more chewy, oranges remain good until they are two-thirds deflated.

Leftover Chinese food often receives early termination. This is a food travesty. That five-day-old chicken fried rice doesn’t have to go to the curb. You can resuscitate those crunchy kernels and dehydrated nuggets by lubricating with a mixture of water, seasoning, and bacon drippings. Microwave at maximum power.

Moldy bread gets an unfair rap. How bad can it be? Isn’t this what penicillin comes from? I say scrape if off and toast it up.

An overlooked tip is to recycle your coffee grounds for days or even weeks. Only stop recycling your grounds once they resemble a biology experiment gone badly, especially if they are moving.

When fresh, guacamole retains the green hue of avocados. Left unattended in the recesses of your refrigerator, it metamorphoses into a brown paste, sometimes highlighted with colorful flecks. They key here is to convince yourself this goo is no longer guacamole, but an exciting new pate. Serve with crackers.

Leftover salad can challenge even the hardiest constitution. In fairness, see-through mushy lettuce does create a visually disturbing image. That’s where your kitchen blender comes to the rescue. Next time your leafy salad ferments overnight, just puree it into a delicious salad smoothie.

Yesterday’s French fries always disappoint. Those golden brown potato sticks lose their luster when cold and limp. No problem. Just combine them with all the unmarked containers in your fridge and serve “mystery casserole” to your family. Make sure you eat last.

And for dessert, let’s extend the life of ice cream, which should be reclassified as a non-perishable. Yes, nasty freezer burn can add an inch of crystals. But “ice” is part of “ice cream”, so what’s the problem?

Following these tips will lower your food bills, strengthen your immune system, and possibly result in your stomach rupturing. Bon appetite!

He must be part of some organized gang of mind-controlling possums, I concluded. I strained to recall if possum domination was among the plagues during the end times.

My son-in-law Jordan is a fairly normal guy, although we’re trying hard to warp him like the rest of the Fausch family. So when Jordan told me a possum was talking to him, I was a little worried.

“It all started one day when I was practicing my guitar, when suddenly a voice started speaking to me through my headset,” Jordan claimed. “It stopped for a while, but then it returned.”

I was a little incredulous, but decided to humor him.

“So tell me Jordan, did this voice identify itself?” I asked.

“Well, he kept referring to himself as ‘Possum’. He spoke in a deep southern accent, so I wasn’t sure what he was saying at first.”

At that point I suspected strongly that Jordan had gotten some bad mayonnaise. Maybe – hopefully – he was just hallucinating. I looked unsuccessfully for signs that he had a fever.

“Jordan, you said ‘at first’. How often do you speak to this Possum?” I probed.

“I don’t talk to him, he just talks to me,” Jordan replied. “Possum likes to talk in the evenings mostly.”

I moved to a seat a little further away and started scanning the room for sharp objects.

“I got a little freaked out when Possum kept talking in my headset, so put down my guitar and turned on the TV.”

“Good decision,” I offered, hoping to bring Jordan back from whatever planet he was visiting.

“That’s when Possum said he could see me, or at least he could see my energy.”

At this point I calmly slipped my hand into my pocket to locate my cell phone. We were alone in his house in a secluded area of Denver, North Carolina. It was the perfect setting for a Stephen King novel.

“Possum speaks through just about any electronic device,” Jordan added. “We can’t concentrate on our music once he starts doing his shout outs.”

“We?” I asked nervously.

“Jessa has had a few episodes with Possum as well.”

OK, now my daughter was involved in this rodent (OK, possums are actually marsupials, but they sure look like rodents). I’m not a violent man, but I had a sudden need to go Possum hunting. His fur would be flying.

Unfortunately, I was armed only with my cell phone, car keys and some Jolly Ranchers. Maybe I could lure Possum into a trap with the Jolly Ranchers, key him, and call for backup?

Before I could “fine-tune” my attack plan (I also found some gum), Jordan added to the story.

“It took a while, but we finally figured out Possum lives next door. He’s got a huge antennae attached to his house he uses to communicate.”

This monster was after more than just Jordan and Jessa. He must be part of some organized gang of mind-controlling possums, I concluded. I strained to recall if possum domination was among the plagues during the end times.

“So now,” Jordan continued, “we just ask Possum to turn off his short-wave radio when we want to practice our music or watch TV. He’s pretty cool about it.”

Apparently, “Possum” is the “handle” used by Jordan’s former next-door-neighbor when he wanted to talk on his big honking radio. Because their houses were only about 30 feet apart, anything that conducts electricity becomes a receiver for “The Possum Show”.

Jordan and Jessa recently moved and one of Jordan’s friends is renting the house. I can imagine this poor guy curled in a ball, rocking, and repeating: “There’s no such thing as talking possums…there’s no such thing as talking possums…”

I, on the other hand, am cool-challenged. Occasionally I dream cool, but then I wake up and there’s no cool to be found.

I was recently invited to participate in a recording session at a Nashville studio. Because I work hard to keep my musical skills hidden, I was humbled by this surprise request.

The studio was filled with talented artists. They were experts at percussion, guitar, keyboard, arranging, sound mixing, producing and vocals. Stars and future stars surrounded me.

While all these artists excelled, my contribution was a bit more important than theirs.

I was personally requested to pick up lunch.

Scoff if you like, but had I failed at this, the team might have experienced a low-energy crash. This would have damaged their “sound”.

You see, in recording business, it’s all about having the right “sound”.

For you novices, I don’t mean “sound” in the generic sense, as in a collection of notes randomly tossed together to produce uninspired noise.

I’m talking about “sound”, as in distinctive, toe-tapping, soul-filling, leap-to-your-feet, sing-out-loud, add-to-your-MP3, replay-in-your-head-all-day musical genius.

That’s exactly what the team achieved, especially after lunch.

At this point I should probably mention that my daughter and son-in-law are two of the artists involved in this soon-to-be-classic recording of hit songs.

OK, they are the main two artists.

But musical genius is musical genius. I can’t help it if we’re related.

My contributions to the team were not limited to getting lunch. My other job was to sit silently on a stool while these pros laid down the tracks. Fortunately, I excel at silent stool sitting.

I did come to one deeply personal insight while on my stool: I will never be musician-cool.

Musicians all seem to have the cool gene. They own cool gear, think cool, act cool, dress cool, and talk cool.

I, on the other hand, am cool-challenged. Occasionally I dream cool, but then I wake up and there’s no cool to be found.

The cool musician talk was the most impressive. They use words like diamonds, bars, channels, dubs, overdubs, outros, and fill. Then they all nod in agreement and rock to perfection.

I didn’t have a clue what they were talking about, but I felt cool-by-association.

For you sports fans, you’ll be happy to know musicians trash-talk each other just like the in the NBA. They are constantly offering to slow down their pace so the other musicians can keep up, or play over their mistakes. At least I felt connected on the trash talk.

As to my future in the music business, look for me under the “food roadie” credits on the CD. With a few breaks, one day I hope to rise to “director of munchies”.

Reflective Thought: Singing a New Song

I’ve always loved music, but unfortunately, I’m as tone deaf as a hound dog. This is ironic because my daughter and son-in-law are gifted musically, my son excelled on his high school drum line, and my wife has a wonderful voice.

Then there is me, a guy who couldn’t find a note on a song sheet. But in a way, I’m the most fortunate of all because I am the recipient of everyone else’s music-making skills.

When I first started attending church, I would not sing. Much of that was because I was a new Christian and did not know the songs. But even as I grew comfortable in my walk, I was too self-conscious about my voice to sing aloud.

Then one day we were studying Psalms and I discovered that by holding back, I was robbing God of his rightful praise. The evidence was pretty clear:

Psalm 66 tells us to “sing the glory of his name”.
Psalm 98 tells us to “sing to the Lord a new song for he has done wonderful things.”
Psalm 100 tells us to “worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.”
Psalm 101 tells us how David promised to “sing of your love and justice; to you, O Lord, I will sing praise.”

What’s more, it became obvious that God hears my heart, not my voice. Although the “joyful noise” I make on earth is American Idol reject material, it resonates in heaven.

So now I sing in church, although I stay a few decibels below the crowd. The result, I hope, is that my worship is more personal and honoring to God.

If you are holding back during worship, you might want to practice now because we’ll be singing for eternity in heaven – the real and final Music City.

Forever is a long time. I’m really looking forward to heaven because there my voice will finally blend.

Revelation 5:13 Then I heard every creature in heaven and on earth and under the earth and on the sea, and all that is in them, singing: “To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power for ever and ever!